Help, that isn’t

Trying to help people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

I spend half my life holding the door open for people.  After all, isn’t that the polite, even gentlemanly, thing to do?  Yet unless you judge it just right, it ends up being more of an inconvenience than a help.  If they are just that bit too far away, then there are only two possible options.  Either they start quick-stepping to the door so that they can get through without making you wait. Or, they walk at the pace they would have done anyway and you end up standing there like a lemon.  The former is making them unnecessarily rush and expecting them to show gratitude for it!  The latter means that you both end up feeling uncomfortable with the situation and yet, unable to change what you are doing.

Another example is on the London Underground where the ‘right’ thing to do is to give up your seat to the elderly or those less able to stand.  You see someone on a busy, rush-hour train out of the corner of their eye and a surge of compassion comes over you.  You gesture for them to take your place, whilst you are prepared to stand in the sweaty abyss.  What a knight in shining armour! What princely valour!  Except, of course, when the corner of your eye misjudges someone’s age.  If you actually ask a middle-aged woman to sit, you are basically saying that they look elderly and worthy of special treatment, despite the multitude of middle-aged women there!  They laugh or give a half-smile, feeling acutely embarrassed that they were asked and say “no, you’re alright”; and you sit there embarrassed watching the floor so you don’t feel compelled to be nice again.

There are just so many examples.  I’m certainly careful before trying to be a peacemaker, when often the two people would rather have a good spat and don’t want my patronising nonsense.  What’s the moral of the story?  I don’t know.

Cool/ Uncool

Just some thoughts on the ‘coolness’ rating I’d give to a couple of my experiences in the Lake District where I spent a week…

Cool

Being all alone for hours with no-one in sight and no disruptions.  No paths to guide me round and the choice to go whichever way I wanted.  A new experience and out of my ordinary comfort zone.

Kayaking on the serene Derwentwater Lake on a calm and sunny day, with beautiful views of the mountains all around.  The lake pretty much to myself with only 3 ferries and one rowing boat the whole time I was out there.  My choice to paddle furiously or take it slow, to turn sharply or just sit still:- choices affecting nobody but the ducks.  Having the opportunity to ‘land’ where I like and to get out and explore the islands.  Beautiful.

Uncool

Being all alone for hours with no-one in sight and no disruptions.  No paths to guide me round and the choice to go whichever way I wanted.  A new experience and out of my ordinary comfort zone.

Up Robinson- a 750 metre / 2500 foot mountain- having already been up 3 mountains and walked for 7 hours.  Thinking I’m nearly at the end but the trodden path suddenly disappearing from all view.  Can’t remember the last person I saw.  Phone battery low and signal barely existent.  Every side down gets too steep and I climb back to top.  Eventually clambering down steep waterfall- this last mile and a quarter taking hours more. Scary.    

New York: 3 good, 3 bad

I went to NY on holiday and only ‘cos I don’t want to go to bed yet, I thought I’d write three positive and negative things about the place.

Positive

1.  I think NY people (as London people) sometimes get a bad press, as not being particularly helpful or friendly.  I don’t think this was true at all.  Everyone I asked for directions or help, seemed only to happy to help out.  I only saw two moody New Yorkers and they looked almost identical (and yet coincidentaly not identical).  One in the hospital who tried to discharge herself, despite the fact she could barely walk, because she wasn’t being seen quickly enough.  The other didn’t like the fact that the subway train was too busy for her liking.  All in all, however, there was refreshing kindness from random people.

2.  The subways are darn cheap (comparatively).  A 7-day pass where you can use as much as you like is only $28 which is like £18 or something.  Compare this to “The Tube” which (sans Oyster) is £5 for a single.  Yes, the subway annoyingly didn’t have many maps; and yes, more adverts in Spanish than English (which is why I subway it); and yes, through no fault of the subways, I went in the wrong direction.  Notwithstanding these points, total value for money.

3.  It resides in a country which has the “Orthodox Union” which is a largely Modern Orthodox institution that doesn’t go out of its way to make it hard to be kosher.  They don’t want to force you into a ghetto where you can only keep kosher by buying Snowcrest.  No, they actively look to make everyday products suitable for use- “Philadelphia”, for instance (KLBD PLEASE?!?!?!?)  Now I’m not so naive as to think it is purely altruistic motives- it makes them a lot of money and the scope is much bigger there than here.  But still- ideology plays its part.

Negative

1. Bloody Bags.  If anything will lead to believe in Richard Dawkins and “meme theory”, it is America’s attitude to bags.  An idea virus has infected shopkeepers with the idea that it is essential to spread your shopping out over as many bags as possible.  Even if you just buy a Chocolate bar, they try and put it in a bag.  I had to actively persuade them not to give me bags.  The sheer wastefulness (environmental and otherwise) is unbelievable and seems embedded in the NY psyche.

2. “Honkety Honkety Honk” could be the soundtrack song to the New York experience.  It is not a very rhythmic song but is a loud one.  Usually honking means “hello” or “stop being a bloody nutter”. One of the two.  But the honking seemed to be utterly inexplicable.  Sometimes I watched cars to see what the underlying rationale could be but discovered none.  What’s more is the amount of money local government must have spent on empty threats.  That is to say- all the signs that say people will get a $350 fine for honking- AS IF.

3.  Too many Jews!  Not that I’m a self-hating Jew (only occasionally so) but because there is nothing special about it.  A) When I feel that I have done something wrong the previous day, I won’t wear my kippah the next day because I don’t feel I’m good enough to represent the Jewish people.  In NY: saints and sinners, machas and child molesters, the sane and the mad, those with derech eretz and uncontrollable kids, all wear kippot.  It’s the done thing with no thought to the moral worth it implies or the Chillul Hashem it may cause  B) In a small community, you see another Jew on Shabbat and you greet him.  Even if you don’t know him, it’s a sign of community, friendliness and something you automatically have in common.  I tried wishing people “Shabbos” in Brooklyn and got the most dirty looks imaginable.  There it is nothing  to see another Jew and so they must have been thinking “Who the hell is this stranger talking to us?”

Undecided

Q.  New York Skyline- beautiful or ugly as sin?

(B"H) A Little Gratitude

It never hurts to thank people when they deserve thanking and to show gratitude if you have been the recipient of a person's good traits. This is what I intend to do!!!!

(I must admit, however, that the impetus to write this was not completely altruistic. I had sinned, was feeling very guilty and wondered how I could achieve kappara. I felt too guilty for confession (vidui) at that moment, as I couldn't vouch for my genuineness as to whether I would do it again or not. Giving money to charity was an appropriate response but felt that was too much like bribing G-d to remove the evil decree. As for repentance (teshuva) we'll have to wait and see! So I thought to myself, "What good can come from this that wouldn't otherwise happen?"- this is my insufficient response)

So here goes...

Dan l'kaf zechut- benefit of the doubt

The greatest example of this fine trait is my elderly neighbour- Betty- who lives in one of the flats downstairs . What is great is that she doesn't even know she is doing it. Often, she is there ready to intercept me (or any passer-by) in order to have someone to talk to. She'll often ask, of a morning, if I'm on my way to work. Now it has been known for me to sometimes oversleep. Okay- maybe slightly more than that. Now once I overslept till 11 and yet, when I go downstairs Betty casually asks if I'm on my way to work. There's not the slightest hint in her voice or manner that she takes this to be an unconventional time to go to work! If that is the time I'm going, then there is no assumption that it should be otherwise or that I'm doing wrong.

A shining example to us all!

Free Books

Below are three books that for altruistic reasons have been given to me. Admittedly, issue-based novels, works of practical halacha and books about the intersection of Darwin and Judaism would not be my first choice. But maybe that it what is so special about these gifts- I read things that I otherwise wouldn't!

The Fixer

Dan (one of my old housemates) and I were in a taxi on the way back to LA airport and the Russian driver noticed we were Jewish. He was clearly so himself and started up a conversation. Dan did most of the talking with him, as I didn't like many of the views that he was expressing and could only manage nods and grunts. However, as we arrived at the airport, he took out a book from the compartment in the car door, and gave it to me as a present.

The book was clearly one of his favourites that he had read and re-read tens of times. The book is decades old (cost 95 cents at the time), pages are worn and grubby, the front cover is torn in various places, the spine is slowly pealing off, the corners are bent and every time I touch it, something falls off! He obviously liked it enough to keep in his car.

Why he decided to give it to me I'm not sure! The novel was about a blood libel against a Russian Jew, and I'm sure anti-semitism came into our conversation. But I'm sure he would have had Jewish passengers in LA before and he would of talked to them about anti-semitism too! Also, why did he specifically give it to ME, as opposed to Dan? I'm not sure but THANK YOU- it's a good novel!

Jewish Tradition and the Challenge of Darwinism

Geoffrey Cantor was my supervisor on my undergrad philosophy dissertation on Maimonides. He is also an expert historian on how both Jews and Quakers interacted with and viewed science over time. The year following my dissertation, I found a free copy of a new book he had helped edit, with a little note, in my philosophy pigeon hole. He wasn't generally giving them out and was touched that he thought of me!

Pirchei Shoshanim's "Making the Shabbos Kitchen"

I have filled in a couple of times for Rabbi Yechiel Conway and leined in Harrogate. This is because of an accident he has had. Anyway, when collecting the keys for the Harrogate shul flat, he had this book ready to give me which he had helped edit. Again, very kind. But I won't attempt proper gratitude myself but quote the gratitude of the books author to him, in the preface:

"I must acknowledge the inspiration, lively email discussions spanning over 2,200 in number, and the considerable clarity brought to the text by the editorial revisions he provided. R' Yechiel is a remarkable person, with a brilliant mind. The friendship that emerged from working together is the highlight of my participation in this project."

My Boss

I like him- what more do I need to say! Well there is the fancy MP3 player he gave me for Chanukah (NB: That's not the reason I like him). I intentionally didn't tell him of my birthday, just in case he got me another unnecessarily large present. In hindsight, maybe that was a bad move as no friends got me anything (cough... only gratitude from here on in). However, I don't think my conscience would allow me to take anything more from him.

I could list a few more nice things but then my "I like him- what more do I need to say! " would seem incredibly strained, so I won't.

Shabbat Meals

A few thank yous to those North Leodensians that have been so kind as to offer me Shabbat meals. I have literally relied on these people!!! :-)

Nicole & Simon Myerson

Valerie and Ivor Baum

Susan and Neville Cohen

Dabrushie and Eli Pink

Ettie and Yehuda Refson

Ruth and Chaim Bell

... and Shalom Kupperman

Eleanor and Allan Taylor

Elise and Jason Kleiman

Denise and Stanley Surr

Valerie and Jonathan Bodansky

Leonie and David Apfel

Naomi and Daniel Levy

Jonathan Sumroy and parents

Also, thanks goes to a few people who have wanted to have me but for certain reasons, I could not eat there.

And...

My parents, agents and publicist; without whom, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Oh! And... Of Course....

....Baruch Hashem

(B- shows promise but could do better)

What I hate most about the Credit Crunch

.....The Bloody Adverts.

It's been going on for months now.  It started before people talked the problem into existence. 

• "Beat the credit crunch"
• "Come to our credit crunch supper"
• "Credit Crunch Credit Card"
• "Buy a bed for £20,000 when usually it'd be £10,000 just to show the credit crunch where it's at". 

If I hear just one more credit crunch advert- and if annoying adverts are a justifiable reason to commit suicide- then I may commit suicide.  If it were simply done on utility, I'd have to find a method of death less painful than listening to the radio.

And on another note... buzz off Darwin and die.  What has this to do with the credit crunch? Nothing, but he is blocking our airwaves.

Songs, role-play and some weird Neil-isms

I'm slightly odd- I know- but I won't play a song that I cannot imagine writing and/or performing.  Still in my childish world of role play, I imagine that I'm the greatest, most varied and most musically talented song-writer of all time.  G-d forbid, that anyone actually has to hear me sing.  Whilst I may have somewhat of a heavenly, angelic quality; this is not something that is manifested in my voice.  Even when I role play (and no, not with a hairbrush in front of the mirror), I don't sing out-loud because that would bring me back to reality with a bump!

Imagining to be a popstar is not- I dare say- an unusual thing.  However, in my case it rather restricts what music I can listen to.  Most people, I imagine, will be able to see themselves singing a song if they happen to like it.  However,  I have to take into account what my grandma would think were she to see me on TV, whether by singing it I'd be 'keeping it real' and also, whether it'd be consonant with my public image as a kippa-wearing Jew (obv. only performing at a festival where I wouldn't be responsible for mixed dancing). 

Given this, you will understand that I was absolutely gutted when a couple of years ago, my housemate told me that Hotel California was an addiction to going to a brothel etc.  I just could no longer sing it in good faith.  There are some songs, (e.g. by Meatloaf or The Streets), that aren't morally bad per se, and are more akin to storytelling than personal confessions, but where I couldn't personally justify writing those lyrics.  In such cases, I can get away with telling the adoring crowd (every time I sing it) that I wrote it before I became religious and should be taken in the right spirit.  However, if I judge that the content of a song is actually morally wrong, I could not see it.  So no more Hotel California.

As it turns out my friend was wrong about what it meant, or at least he wasn't right..  At some point later I was told that it was actually about a drug rehabilitation centre.  Before writing this I wanted to check that this was true, and found this probably wasn't the actual meaning either.  It might not have one.  When asked Don Henley said the following (two different occasions):

It was really about the excesses of American culture and certain girls we knew. But it was also about the uneasy balance between art and commerce

It's a song about the dark underbelly of the American Dream, and about excess in America which was something we knew about

Okay, so something about excess and art and commerce and something and something else.  Weirder interpretations than the brothel one have tied the song down to advocating a particular variety of satanism.  The truth is that the individual lyrics probably don't mean a whole lot and if they do, I luckily don't know that meaning.

Of course, there is still one obstacle I need to cross.  It does need to mean something for me in order to sing it and this meaning must 'keep it real'.  Given the 'death of the author', it doesn't matter what was going though the songwriter's mind at the time.  It only mattered above 'what the song was about' because I couldn't then see the song in a different way. The words seemed inevitably to bring a particular thought to mind.  When a song is a blank canvas, however, I can then give the song a plausible meaning depending on the words.

There are different ways of doing this, of course.  Sometimes it just requires a slash.  Take Muse's "A Dying Atheist", change it to "A Dying A/Theist" and then the song can have its pretty obvious pshat.  Others require choosing the 'target' of the song such as with The Arctic Monkey's "Perhaps vampire is a bit strong but..."  Which group of big-shots who pretend to stand by us but spend their time "thinking about things, but not actually doing those things" do you know?

Sometimes, these changes require a bit of creative storytelling and midrashic interpretation to get the right fit between words and meaning.  However, sometimes you, your meaning and the words merge effortlessly into one another.  Linkin Park's "Numb" and me are existentially bound together.  It was me who was meant to write it. I have considered changing the name of the song to 'Imitatio Dei' and placing those words where they sing "Caught in the Undertow".  However, those are mere quibbles.  I have spent many a 4 minutes bellowing this at G-d, expressing exactly what I sometimes want to say at him.

So my music collection is of a reasonable size after all  

Is the BBC biased? "No but...

.... yes but, no but, yes but, no but" said Vicky Pollard as reported on the Ten O' Clock News. The BBC were trying every so hard to be neutral and thought that Vicky covered all possible angles and view points. The only minor hitch was that she was very unwilling to commit on the important issues of the day. Is Jamie Oliver was a plonker or an inspired prophet of our time? Are standards improving or exams getting easier? She was however, most adamant that Hamas were not terrorists but simply militants.

Those who took the 'yes' side in the debates thought the BBC were biased for the very suggestion that 'no' was an answer that a sane human could take. Those on the 'no' side thought Vicky most insane for letting 'yes' cross her lips. The more discerning viewer realised that the BBC actually advocated the yes-no amalgamated view despite its flagrant violation of classical syllogistic logic. However, the vast majority of viewers simply admired the pouting woman sitting cross-legged on the desk who was quite good for her age. Woo woo!

But seriously... Little Britain is rubbish isn't it?

P.S. I was going to write a serious post about BBC bias or otherwise but then I was assailed but a recurring thought of mine: "What the heck is the point?" The next bulletin at midnight

Brown's tax cuts: you what?

I don't know a thing about economics- and I'm severely under the impression that people talked themselves into an economic crisis- so I shall keep this short. As I understand, Brown wants to cut certain taxes without any means of paying for them and increase government borrowing. In other words, more spending and less income. This - supposedly- is meant to 'boost the economy'.

Wait a minute..... wasn't part of the reason we are in this crisis because people borrowed more than they could afford? Wasn't it the lack of common sense forgetting that you shouldn't spend more than you have? If this is right, I'm not sure the thinking behind the idea. Doesn't the same 'common sense' apply to countries as much as to people? Why get the country into debt?

And for what? £120 a year! This may be very middle-class of me but £120 isn't going to change the world for the individual but a lot of £120 is a massive amount for the country.

But this is presumably my ignorance

I don't often eat dinner but when I do...

I think I should go on masterchef; I really should. I think I have a natural talent for taste combination and I'm quite pretentious.

The only problem is I never cook. I'm a Shabbat- eater really, eating Friday and Saturday means I don't have to eat dinner the rest of the week. To be honest, I just can't be bothered. I don't mind cooking for four hours for Shabbat because we then take four hours to eat, with company. But there is no point spending 50 minutes to cook when it takes 5 minutes to eat by myself. It's not as if I'm really hungry anyway; I rarely feel the need for food. If it's there I'll eat it; if not, I won't. Simple. I'm a 'picker'... if there is food in front of me I cannot stop eating. The worst is crisps at parties or roast potatoes just staring at me from the bowl. But if there is no food around, I don't miss it.

However, tonight my hand was rather forced. I had to use up the scraps of food that I do own in time for Pesach. So it all started quite orthodoxly with the quorn 'chicken-style' pieces going in the pan. Out came the cherry tomatoes, nicely and (almost) neatly chopped and into the saucepan. I was going to stop there but it felt a bit empty.

Then out from the lovely plastic Sainsbury's container provacatively peeped the plums (and alliterated at me). So yes, they got chopped up and put in the saucepan too. But I thought that was a bit boring, it's just quorn with a bit of fruit (slightly hot fruit at that). What was really needed was a sauce... so out came the orange juice (!) and into the pan it went. Now of course this may just taste like fruit salad (slightly hot fruit salad) with quorn randomly stuck in. It needed a bit of cohesion and a balance of taste.

So, and this was the killer touch (killer with a 'ph'- you know like 'phat')- a grand dollop of honey smeared over the quorn. This blended everything together. The tomatoes seeped juice into the orange juice, and in that direction the honey did venture of its own accord. This fruity sauce was born, fitting perfectly with the sweet quorn. It didn't taste like orange juice anymore. But, like... [and at this point I would have to baptize a new word]

Sound disgusting? I assure thee that it was not so. I impress myself sometimes with my own genius. I write this note as a public service announcement. If I have achieved nothing else in my life (and I haven't achieved much else of note) I leave this as my legacy. I have in the past made concoctions that whilst edible, and comparably pleasant, I wouldn't put in the 'outstanding success' column on life's balance sheet. But this actually tasted nice! Actually. Literally. Substantially. I dare you to try it.

The real element of success though........... was NOT adding chilli powder (I was tempted)

Urinating on the motorway, Arabs, environment, Israel and the Palestinians, prostitutes and water buffallo.

Just a few completely random points about urinating on the motorway, Arabs, environment, Israel and the Palestinians, prostitutes and water buffallo.

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IF YOU ARE AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT, DON’T PISS ON THE HARD SHOULDER OF A MOTORWAY. Apparently it’s illegal, but it’s probably not the worst crime in the world. Obviously you are putting yourself at risk, but then driving when you desperately need to go, can’t be much better. You know… when you get to that point where you have to keep moving otherwise it’s unbearable?!?!?

But if you are illegally here and without a driving license, you don’t want to be found out because you needed the toilet. That’s what happened in ‘Traffic Cops’ last night which I was watching for want of anything better to do (you know, one of those filler programmed for Wednesday nights. Why do they put rubbish programmes on, on Wednesdays?). You know, you’d think they would want to keep their heads down or if you are going to get deported, you might as well go out in style.

But when nature calls…

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An interesting note by Rav Hirsch (from the 19^th century) on the positive qualities of Arabs. Funnily enough, it was in article on Jewish women.

“The monotheism of Abraham, the Hamitic sensuality and thirst for freedom that stamped the personality of Hagar, and the virtual fanatic belief in the providence of Almighty G-d, drawn, as it were, by Hagar from the ‘well of the Living One Who sees me’- this mixture of qualities has shaped the traits for which the Arabs are known to this day and with which they have made their own contribution, in the form of poetry and scholarship, to the spiritual symposium of humanity”

‘Nuff said

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I got the overwhelming desire today to buy a car. Why? So I can conscientiously not use it! I hate it when people (and I don’t know why, but specifically Jews do it) drive to university when it is less than 15 minutes walk away. It’s disgraceful. Apart from being horrendously lazy, it’s horrific for the environment.

Now when environmental protestors say that people shouldn’t fly or say that horrendous taxes should be put on it, that’s just stupid. Some people need to fly, others want to fly but only do so occasionally, and those who are filthy rich… well… they are going to fly anyway. Stopping flying is not only something that you cannot achieve, it might not be desirable to achieve.

What really matters for the environment is these small things that you can do stuff about. Yes I know it would take a hell of a lot of not going by car to make up for one plane journey. However, firstly there are a lot of people that can ‘not go by car’. It is practical and unless your are bone-idle, there is no reason not to walk. Thirdly, going by car for a short journey bespeaks a whole attitude and if you won’t drive if necessary, you wont do other things either.

Now I’m probably guilty too. I do accept lifts to morning service. It’s too early and I don’t have the wherewithal to move, let alone put up a principled stand. But regardless of whether I get in the car, the car will be driven anyway. I would never ask for there to be a lift if there wasn’t one already going. And that’s why I want a car, so that if no-one else is going, I can in principle refuse to take people!

An expensive gesture, buying a car for that reason!

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Good news of sorts. Following a decision from Ehud Barak, travel restrictions are being eased for Palestinians in the West Bank, and the PA police (or at least a loyal subsection of them) are getting new equipment. This is following on from continued negotiations between PA and Israel. Also, talks between Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas continue. This can only be good news if it helps the lives of Palestinian civilians, and increased Paelstinian compliance in aiding Israel’s security. It’s a shame that it is primarily motivated by one-upmanship against Hamas. Rather than (by either side involved) a real concern for peace or the lives of civilians, it is trying to score political points against Hamas in Gaza. Bloody politics. Please G-d, they find a way to help the humanitarian situation in Gaza without having to give political credence to Hamas.

Although one of my points is proved. Criticism from a friend is far more effective than criticism from someone that hates your guts! The good news in part arose from criticism of Ehud Barak by Condoleeza Rice. The Americans overall (and rightly so) agree with Israel about things. As such, Israel has an incentive to listen to them. Where criticism is needed, it should be given (and probably doesn’t happen enough). Criticism from Palestinian groups, on the other hand, is ineffectual and shows that they don’t really have the interests of Palestinians at heart or if they do, they are very misguided. When you justify suicide bombings, deny Israel’s right to exist (however you dress it up) and will criticise Israel come what may, the criticisms will be as effective as a one-legged chair. When you preach immoral things, your valid criticisms will not be listened to.

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The following incident reminded me of situations with ‘money boxes’ designed to stop people swearing (i.e. put 50p in if you say **** etc) where the child swears, gets told off and says “I’m not ******* swearing, ok?”. This is what Rabbi Ezekial Landau said in court:

"Everyone should know that the wife of the Chief Rabbi is a prostitute and there is a fine, 100 adumim for each utterace that she is a prostitute, and you should also all know that if I had more money I would call her a prostitute again, however I currently do not have the money I will have to satisfy myself with the fact that I have already called her a prostitute."

The following reminded me of when certain Catholics will defend to the hilt not wearing condoms because that is what the Pope decrees, but are quite happy to have sex before marriage (which I’m sure he’s not too fond of):

A Latin document records a troubling incident from 1404 where, "a German speaking Jew visited a non-Jewish prostitute on Shabbat and he refused to pay her, he explained that he could not pay her as it would violate the Shabbat."

It’s fun reading about prostitution!

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Last but not least, I have decided I am a filthy animal. I was watching the ‘One Show’ where they were looking at a reservation park with water buffalo in. They happened to mention that they had cloven hoofs. All I could think about “I wonder if they are kosher!” I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’m a bad man!