Urinating on the motorway, Arabs, environment, Israel and the Palestinians, prostitutes and water buffallo.

Just a few completely random points about urinating on the motorway, Arabs, environment, Israel and the Palestinians, prostitutes and water buffallo.

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IF YOU ARE AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT, DON’T PISS ON THE HARD SHOULDER OF A MOTORWAY. Apparently it’s illegal, but it’s probably not the worst crime in the world. Obviously you are putting yourself at risk, but then driving when you desperately need to go, can’t be much better. You know… when you get to that point where you have to keep moving otherwise it’s unbearable?!?!?

But if you are illegally here and without a driving license, you don’t want to be found out because you needed the toilet. That’s what happened in ‘Traffic Cops’ last night which I was watching for want of anything better to do (you know, one of those filler programmed for Wednesday nights. Why do they put rubbish programmes on, on Wednesdays?). You know, you’d think they would want to keep their heads down or if you are going to get deported, you might as well go out in style.

But when nature calls…

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An interesting note by Rav Hirsch (from the 19^th century) on the positive qualities of Arabs. Funnily enough, it was in article on Jewish women.

“The monotheism of Abraham, the Hamitic sensuality and thirst for freedom that stamped the personality of Hagar, and the virtual fanatic belief in the providence of Almighty G-d, drawn, as it were, by Hagar from the ‘well of the Living One Who sees me’- this mixture of qualities has shaped the traits for which the Arabs are known to this day and with which they have made their own contribution, in the form of poetry and scholarship, to the spiritual symposium of humanity”

‘Nuff said

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I got the overwhelming desire today to buy a car. Why? So I can conscientiously not use it! I hate it when people (and I don’t know why, but specifically Jews do it) drive to university when it is less than 15 minutes walk away. It’s disgraceful. Apart from being horrendously lazy, it’s horrific for the environment.

Now when environmental protestors say that people shouldn’t fly or say that horrendous taxes should be put on it, that’s just stupid. Some people need to fly, others want to fly but only do so occasionally, and those who are filthy rich… well… they are going to fly anyway. Stopping flying is not only something that you cannot achieve, it might not be desirable to achieve.

What really matters for the environment is these small things that you can do stuff about. Yes I know it would take a hell of a lot of not going by car to make up for one plane journey. However, firstly there are a lot of people that can ‘not go by car’. It is practical and unless your are bone-idle, there is no reason not to walk. Thirdly, going by car for a short journey bespeaks a whole attitude and if you won’t drive if necessary, you wont do other things either.

Now I’m probably guilty too. I do accept lifts to morning service. It’s too early and I don’t have the wherewithal to move, let alone put up a principled stand. But regardless of whether I get in the car, the car will be driven anyway. I would never ask for there to be a lift if there wasn’t one already going. And that’s why I want a car, so that if no-one else is going, I can in principle refuse to take people!

An expensive gesture, buying a car for that reason!

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Good news of sorts. Following a decision from Ehud Barak, travel restrictions are being eased for Palestinians in the West Bank, and the PA police (or at least a loyal subsection of them) are getting new equipment. This is following on from continued negotiations between PA and Israel. Also, talks between Ehud Olmert and Mahmoud Abbas continue. This can only be good news if it helps the lives of Palestinian civilians, and increased Paelstinian compliance in aiding Israel’s security. It’s a shame that it is primarily motivated by one-upmanship against Hamas. Rather than (by either side involved) a real concern for peace or the lives of civilians, it is trying to score political points against Hamas in Gaza. Bloody politics. Please G-d, they find a way to help the humanitarian situation in Gaza without having to give political credence to Hamas.

Although one of my points is proved. Criticism from a friend is far more effective than criticism from someone that hates your guts! The good news in part arose from criticism of Ehud Barak by Condoleeza Rice. The Americans overall (and rightly so) agree with Israel about things. As such, Israel has an incentive to listen to them. Where criticism is needed, it should be given (and probably doesn’t happen enough). Criticism from Palestinian groups, on the other hand, is ineffectual and shows that they don’t really have the interests of Palestinians at heart or if they do, they are very misguided. When you justify suicide bombings, deny Israel’s right to exist (however you dress it up) and will criticise Israel come what may, the criticisms will be as effective as a one-legged chair. When you preach immoral things, your valid criticisms will not be listened to.

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The following incident reminded me of situations with ‘money boxes’ designed to stop people swearing (i.e. put 50p in if you say **** etc) where the child swears, gets told off and says “I’m not ******* swearing, ok?”. This is what Rabbi Ezekial Landau said in court:

"Everyone should know that the wife of the Chief Rabbi is a prostitute and there is a fine, 100 adumim for each utterace that she is a prostitute, and you should also all know that if I had more money I would call her a prostitute again, however I currently do not have the money I will have to satisfy myself with the fact that I have already called her a prostitute."

The following reminded me of when certain Catholics will defend to the hilt not wearing condoms because that is what the Pope decrees, but are quite happy to have sex before marriage (which I’m sure he’s not too fond of):

A Latin document records a troubling incident from 1404 where, "a German speaking Jew visited a non-Jewish prostitute on Shabbat and he refused to pay her, he explained that he could not pay her as it would violate the Shabbat."

It’s fun reading about prostitution!

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Last but not least, I have decided I am a filthy animal. I was watching the ‘One Show’ where they were looking at a reservation park with water buffalo in. They happened to mention that they had cloven hoofs. All I could think about “I wonder if they are kosher!” I couldn’t get it out of my head. I’m a bad man!

The MP3, the list of questions and an orgiatsic experience (Alternatively titled: Moroccan Jewry)

Shal-oh-m. It’s 2.37 in the morning and I have just finished a shiur (“lesson”/ lecture) that has got me all excited. It’s certainly a good shiur, and how can you tell? Because I started listening at midnight, it’s 1 hour and 9 minutes long, and I have just finished it. Anyone who knows a friend, who knows a friend that does maths, or even lives in a country where mathematicians are present will know that, it doesn’t add up. I live with a Mathematician, ask him!

[I on the other hand, am a philosopher, and should be able to cast doubt on the most simple assertion. Last year, when my housemate arrived home from drinking and found me reading a book with ‘68 + 57 = ?’ on the front, he confidently asserted ‘125’. Of course (so I explained) the book was arguing that there is no fact of the matter as to whether by ‘+’ we meant addition rather than a different mathematical function. As such, you couldn’t castigate me for saying the answer to the question was ‘5’ (or you could, but not on the grounds that 125 is the addition to 68 + 57, which we both agree on). To this he went furious. It turned his mathematical world upside down and was questioning everything he held dear.]

That is [so I will confidently assert on this occasion] I was listening to the shiur for 88 minutes longer than it lasted! Magic, I hear you ask? Practical Kabbalah? A faulty watch? No, I’m afraid. Just having to pause it every five minutes to argue, to pace, to jump up in delight, to kvetch, to relive the point, to go to the toilet, to rewind and relisten to parts.

And what was this wonder? It was by Rabbi Dr. Marc Shapiro on “A Non-Orthodox Traditional Approach: Reflections on the Authority of the Moroccan Rabbinate.” And what was so brilliant? Well, it was worth listening just to the Americanisms: ‘Shal-oh-m’, ‘P-oh-skim’, ‘Takan-oh-t’. ‘A takan-oh-t that if he deflowered a virgin, he had to marry her.’ Ha! Deflowered, I haven’t heard that term since the last virgin who tried to bed me and wed me (/ an episode of ‘Friends’ with fat Monica). And the slightly funny comments like the following:

[Disclaimer: I put ‘slightly’ despite the fact that it was definitely a LOL moment. However, those who wonder why I laugh in synagogue very loudly, and wonder what was so hilarious are less impressed when I point to Rabbi Hertz’s commentary on the first line of Shema. But there you go… some people laugh at Friends, so there really is no accounting for taste]

“Today you go to the Bet Din, they can do whatever they want because they don’t have to adapt to the community because it is all voluntary… Now if the rabbis in America issues Takonot, no-one who wasn’t Orthodox would care, that’s for sure. And even among the Orthodox if the Aguna rabbis issued them, the Chassidim wouldn’t care; and if the Chassidim issued Takanot, the Aguna wouldn’t care; and if the Modern Orthodox issue Takanot, no-one would care, not even the Modern Orthodox.”

But witticism aside… this shiur raised such fundamental questions that had my head turning (‘literally turning’ as a misuse of English language might be heard to proclaim’). These are such fundamental issues that I just want to write about now if it wasn’t for the fact I have to be up in 4 and a half hours to daven, hear the megillah and go to Manchester to see my old Rav. The art of the blog is to write briefly but I have not an artistic bone in my body. See how long this is turning out to be and I’m not even writing seriously or putting my incisive, multi-faceted intelligence to (say I). But yeh… ever wondered about:-

• the nature of Jewish belief: dogma versus ‘just a set of laws’.
• the role of the Rabbi: to forbid the permitted versus permitting the forbidden.
• the ‘Chumra’ (stringency) culture versus ‘lets all go have sex' culture.
• the place of religion in Modern Israel: religious Zionism versus Zionism + Religion.
• Conversion in Judaism: ‘get lost unless you are a saint’ versus ‘we don’t want the kids to be non-Jewish, so let’s get you quickly converted, no questions asked’
• Halakhic ‘change’ versus the hegemony of the Shulchan Aruch (and more specifically the Mishna Berura).
• Why Askenazim have such a thing as ‘Orthodox’ or ‘Conservative’ or ‘Progressive’ denominations where (parts of) the Sephardi world have none
• The immorality of secular culture, the stupidity of Modern Orthodoxy, the terrifying and ridiculous (in no particular order) nature of Charedi world.
• Judaism as ‘sect’ (/religion) versus Judaism as a code for society at large

And more. Oh yes. The stuff was positively- I wouldn’t say orgiastic, okay I would- orgiastic. [‘Orgiastic’ is a word that Rav Soloveitchik repeatedly uses in a chapter of ‘The Emergence of Ethical Man’. Now, I’m sure he doesn’t mean it in the sense that the dictionary definition gives it : ‘pertaining to orgies’. But, I think we can understand the word in context]. So much so, I cannot talk about it now, but I had to write something! It will be on my pile of things to write about: I’m already in the middle of writing blog articles which I need to finish including “Chassidism without mysticism?”, “Easy religion”, “Is I Orthodox? Innit”. I get so inspired by things; the first of the aforementioned articles was inspired by “The Wind in the Willows” written by that great sage of old: Kenneth Graeme. But then I can never get them down cos there so bloody complicated (and no-one reads what I write anyway).

But just to give a general flavour…. The shiur was about the decrees of the Moroccan rabbinate and the nature of the Moroccan Jewish community. It was one where the whole community was under the sway of Halakha. Yes individuals were non-observant and very few you would call ‘Orthodox’. Yet the communities were run according to the decrees of the Rabbinate and they lived a traditional Jewish life. There was no ‘reform’ Jews trying to give a different account of what Judaism essentially was or should be. However, neither was there a need for a self-conception of ‘Orthodoxy’ and there was no need to tailor Halakha (or strengthen it) to root out the community of true believers from those who have left the fold.

The Bet Dinim (courts of law) had far more authority over the Jewish community in Morocco (as opposed to these days where, as per the ‘funny’ quote above, you’ll only listen to a Bet Din if you ideologically agree with the people that make the decisions). However, the effect of this is that the rulings were more lenient. Why? Because you are not ruling over a sect, or a group of like minded people, or those who have exactly (or so poskim must think) exactly the same needs. No… Halakhic law is just that. Law. It has to take into account and run society with people in with different needs, different beliefs, different circumstances. Plus they could be lenient because they didn’t think the leniencies would be taken as a concession to other sects of Judaism. How often, these days, do we hear “Oh. Umm. It’s technically allowed but you still can’t do it. It may lend credence to feminism, to other denominations, to secular wisdom, to the gentile customs, etc; plus don’t complain stringency beautifies the mitzvah” Does it heck!

[To a certain extent, this kind of situation still exists even within Sephardi ‘Orthodox’ congregations in Europe. When my brother was in Aix-en-Provence he said that it would be unheard of to have synagogue that weren’t run by ‘traditional’ Rabbis, but they didn’t kick up a poop when women in the ladies gallery put on tallit and tefillin]

Yet when the Moroccans moved to Israel, their culture and their halakhic traditions and thousand year old customs were not respected. There was a general prejudice against sefardim: the secular believed they were ignorant, superstitious and backward looking and the Yeshiva world couldn’t comprehend that there may be some traditions that are not codified in the Shulchan Aruch. Rav Ovadiah Yosef, a major figure, brought back pride for Sephardim but at a cost. In order to win respect from the ‘Orthodox’ (the Chareidi Yeshivish world) he has attempted to standardise Sephardic practice according to the Sephardic opinions in the Shulchan Aruch (despite the fact that many of his rulings deviate from it!). He himself orchestrated attempts to wipe out the halakhic traditions of some Sephardim. For example, based on teshuvot of Rambam, Moroccan Jews do not repeat Mussaf Amidah (especially if there is talking in shul). Unacceptable. Why? Because the Shulchan Aruch defines ‘Orthodoxy’. Why? Because ‘Conservative’ Jews say that halakha changes, whilst that law code was appropriate for the time, it is now no longer. So, G-d forbid that anyone deviates an iota from it (despite the fact that they do) because it lends credence to Conservatives.

What was interesting was some of the halakhic rulings of Moroccan Jews that are very pertinent today. There is a lot of fuss about women prayer groups in our world! Yet they have rulings going back hundreds of yours saying they are fine and happened! [G-d forbid we do them unless we are going egalitarian or copying the gentiles]. There are instances of ‘mi shabeirachs’ about v’imateinu Rachel, leah, v’sarah. [G-d forbid we have prayers like that unless we are reform]. There are other that aren’t directly importable (because they were relevant to their community not ours] but are still interesting. For example, prohibitions on gentiles and wine did not apply. Based on a [previously censored] ruling of the Rema, it was argued that there absolutely nothing wrong with wine handle d by Muslims. In fact, to prohibit it would be to turn the holy into the profane as, G-d forbid we consider worshippers of G-d into worshippers of idols. Obviously, that was a completely Muslim and as such, monotheistic culture, it would be different where there are religions [including Christianity] that may {or may not} be considered avodah Zorah.

In fact, there were lots of interesting rulings and so much to say. Let’s make a date… we’ll talk some time.

Damn its 4 o’Clock

Philosophy and Judaism

As per the Chief Rabbi:

• Philosophy is about impersonal truth. Judaism is about personal truth.
• Philosophy is about detached observation. Judaism is about engaged participation.
• Philosophy is about a single ideal picture of the world. Judaism is about the irreducible multiplicity of perspectives.
• Philosophy searches for truths that are universal. Judaism articulates truths that are particular.
• Philosophy is about the discovery of harmony. Judaism is about cognitive dissonance.
• Philosophy is about the truths that we see. Judaism is about the truths that we hear.
• Philosophy is about truths thought. Judaism is about truths lived.
• Philosophy sees knowledge as cognition. Judaism sees knowledge as relationship.
• It follows that if philosophy is about the conquest of ignorance, Judaism is about the redemption of solitude.
  
  

The Laws of Xmas

1. PREPARING FOR XMAS


1. Preparations for Xmas must not begin1 before2 Thanksgiving.3 This applies to preparations which affect the holiday mood, 4 but not those which are done in private. 5

1 This contrasts sharply with Shabbos, for the mitzva of honoring Shabbos applies all week long. For example, if one finds a particularly good food during the week, one should save it for Shabbos even though it is now only Sunday and Shabbos is a week away. However, Xmas preparations may not begin too far in advance, in order to fulfill the dictum, "It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas."
2 This is because of the principle that two festive occasions should not be mixed into each other. Note the decree of the great R.H. Macy, who established that Santa Claus may not appear in the Thanksgiving Day parade until after all the other floats have passed.
3 There are some who begin preparing for Xmas as early as Halloween. This is wrong, and they will be called upon to account for their evil ways.
4 Such as setting up the Xmas tree (some say even buying one,) or playing holiday music on the Muzak.
5 Such as buying gifts or buying the Xmas dinner turkey. Cooking the turkey may not be done before Thanksgiving because it will appear to be a Thanksgiving turkey.


2. Some hold that the tree should be decorated immediately after Thanksgiving, 6 but others prefer to decorate it as close to Xmas as possible.7

6 For the mitzva of "adding to the yom tov" by beginning the Xmas season early.
7 As it is said, "Do not put off for tomorrow, that which can be put off for the day after tomorrow."


2. THE TREE


1. Any species of tree is kosher for use as a Xmas tree, provided that it has needles and not leaves. In our lands it is customary to use a fir tree.8 It should be reasonably fresh, but not too fresh, in accordance with the principle "A Xmas tree with no fallen needles is like a sukkah with no buzzing bees."

8 If the lady of the house already has a fur, then any evergreen may be used.


2. The tree should be chopped down specifically for use as a Xmas tree; if it had been cut for lumber it is invalid. If the tree was cut for general decorative purposes, but not specifically as a Xmas tree, some authorities allow it while others are strict. A stolen tree is not valid for the mitzvah.9 Fortunate is one who is able to chop his own tree himself.10

9 One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission from the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own backyard. A tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park (which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as stolen and invalid.
10 One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase it from a reputable dealer, or one who is certified by a national kashrus organization.


3. During the shmitta year, a Jew may not cut the tree down, but it should be done by a gentile. However, since the tree is inedible, the problems of “kedushas shviis” which apply to the esrog do not apply to the Xmas tree.


4. The tree must be bright green. Bright red, or a mixture of green and red, is also acceptable for a Xmas tree,11 but brown is not. There may be one brown spot near the bottom of the tree,12 but in the top half of the tree, even one brown spot will invalidate the tree. A truly pious person will make sure to bring along a Xmas tree expert when he goes to look for his tree.13

11 Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many Sefaradim adorn the tree with red poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer poinsettas.
12 Or even two, provided they are on opposite sides so they cannot be both seen at the same time.
13 But it is more macho to pretend to be an expert and pick the tree out himself.


5. The required height of the tree is subject to many rules. An indoor tree must be tall enough so that it reaches within 3 handbreadths of the ceiling.14 An outdoor tree must be at least 20 cubits tall.

14 Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a smaller tree - even a bonsai - may be used, provided it has toy people around it who will make it appear tall.


6. The law is "Etz ish u'beito" - "One tree for a man and his home". This teaches that individuals must have a Xmas tree at their home, and that the main function of the tree is for the benefit of the family, but public places are exempt. If one wishes to place his personal tree in a public location he may do so, but he will not have fulfilled his obligation unless it is truly seen by the public. In this case, "seen by the public" means that the tree is large enough that it is shown on the local TV news reports.15

15 This is the origin of the custom of the great tree in Rockefeller Center, where a shaliach from Lubavitch lights the tree just before su
nset on Erev Xmas, and is then returned to Crown Heights by an NYPD helicopter in time for the dinner meal.


7. In recent years, there has been a great controversy over the use of manufactured trees. In theory, some hold they are invalid,16 while other authorities hold they are valid.17 In practice, however, even the lenient opinions hold that artificial trees are too tacky, and thus violate the principle of "hadar". But if one has already met his obligation by displaying at least one kosher Xmas tree, he may have additional trees of any kind, natural or not.18

16 Based on the verse "Etz chayim hee" ("A tree is alive"), teaching that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it was alive at some point.
17 Based on the verse "Etz chayim hee" ("It is a tree of life"), teaching that some trees have life, and others do not necessarily have life.
18 Similarly, manufactured trees are acceptable in malls, offices, and other exempt public places.


8. Originally, the law was that the tree must be displayed so that it would be visible to passers-by outside the home. Over the centuries, as persecutions increased, the people inside the home became the main audience. Even so, it should be displayed in a prominent area of the house, to show respect for this mitzvah. When possible, it should preferably be by a window where it could be viewed from the street, to continue the original practice.


3. DECORATING THE TREE


1. As with all mitzvos, the tree should be tastefully19 decorated. Popcorn tastes excellent, and some string popcorn together (with needle and thread)20 to make long chains which are wrapped around the tree.

19 In order to keep children actively interested and participating in all the goings-on, "tasteful" is defined by the youngest person in the household. This generally results in displaying all sorts of holiday projects in school, no matter how tacky or amateurishly done, giving great prominence to "artwork" which is normally allowed nowhere but the refrigerator door.
20 To remind us of the verse, "We're all connected." (Nynex)


2. The main decoration for the tree is strings21 of colored22 lights. The circuitry of the lights is arranged with parallel23 wires, not in serial. A certified24 electrician should inspect each set of lights.

21 The numerical value of the word "orot" (lights) is 613, similar to the value of the word "tzitzit".
22 The lights may be of 5 colors (corresponding to the knots in each tzitzit) or of 8 colors (corresponding to the 8 strings in each tzitzit). Where these combinations are unavailable, all the lights must be white. (Some use all white lights, with each eighth light being blue.)
23 Just as the eight strings of the tzitzis are tied in two parallel groups of four strings to help keep them kosher in the event a string breaks, similarly, arranging the lights in parallel will keep the other lights lit even if one light goes out.
24 By mutual consent, certification of Xmas lights is handled not by the OU but by the UL.


3. Additional lights are set up around the outside of the home,25 each according to his own ability. The more lights and other decorations26 one sets up, the more praiseworthy he is.

25 The minimum which one should strive for is the outline of one window which faces the street, and this is sufficient for apartment dwellers.
26 Those who have a front yard or lawn put all sorts of decorations up, whether lit by lights or not. Some say that if a snowman was built before Xmas, and by New Year's it still has not melted, it is a sign of blessing for the home for the coming year.


4. The lights must stay lit27 until28 most people can be presumed to be in bed29 or asleep.

27 One may use a timer to turn the lights off each night automatically, but not on Shabbos. Because of the public nature of the lights, they must stay lit lest anyone think that they were turned off manually, which would be a violation of the holy Shabbos.
28 11:35 pm Eastern, 10:35 Central/Mountain time.
29 Watching Leno or Letterman.


5. Tree decorations are considered "muktza l'mitzvasa", "set aside for its mitzvah", and may not be used for any personal use until after Xmas is over.30 For example, edible decorations may not be eaten until after Xmas. Similarly, since they may not be used for personal use, any decorations which fall from the tree on Shabbos or on Yom Tov may not be replaced31 until after Shabbos or Yom Tov.

30 See Siman 9 below for opinons regarding when Xmas actually ends.
31 Or even handled.



6. If the lights were not32 put away after Xmas, then in the following year each33 bulb must be removed34 from the wiring and reattached.

32 But if they were put away properly, then the act of restringing them the following year suffices for the mitzva. It is only where they stayed up all year that the lights must be renewed by removing and reattaching them.
33 If is enough if this is done for the majority of bulbs.
34 The bulb does not need to be totally removed, but it is adequate if the bulb is so loose that the electricity will not flow to it to light it.


4. GIFTS

1. One is obligated to buy presents, regardless of his income level, for every person that he has ever spoken to in his entire life and their immediate family members. One may go into serious debt in order to carry out this mitzvah. Presents may be exchanged at any convenient time during December up until the 25th.

2. Regarding a child whose birthday occurs on or around Xmas, some say to give him a double portion of gifts,35 and others say to give him a single portion.36 Some resolve this by getting him a normal number of gifts, but they would be double in size or value.37

35 Which may cause others to feel cheated.
36 Which will surely cause him to feel cheated.
37 Another idea has been to celebrate "Xmas in August". See Rabbi Edward's opinion below, in section 9:2.


5. THE OFFICE PARTY

1. “When December arrives, office productivity decreases.”38 Beginning at 9:00 AM on the Monday prior to Xmas, all real office work stops.39 In order to maintain the illusion of doing real work, employees busy themselves with tasks such as the company newsletter, or planning the office “Holiday Party”.

38 As it is said, “It’s a slow time of year.”
39 When that Monday is Erev Xmas itself, this work stoppage is moved up to the preceding Monday.


2. It is a requirement that all companies conduct an annual “Holiday Party” each year. This had been called a “Xmas Party” until 1972, when the Supreme Court ruled it to be a discriminatory name. The term “Holiday Party” was enacted so that Native Americans, Asians, and Muslims40 will all feel equally un-American.

40 When Ramadan is not in December.



3. The “Holiday Party”, in order to be done properly, requires a great deal of ritual drinking and debauchery. "Ad'loyada" - One must drink and continue drinking up to41 the point he cannot tell the difference between his fat dumpy wife and his gorgeous 22 year-old blond secretary.42

41 In this case, "up to" means "ad v'lo ad b'clal" - "up to but NOT including" the point when he cannot tell the difference. Once one has reached this point he is excused from further drinking. See next note for more details.
42 The example above presumes that he is a male, and his secretary is a female. However, if his secretary is male, and he has reached the point where he cannot tell the difference between his fat dumpy wife and his handsome 22 year-old blond male secretary, then he is forbidden to drink any more alcohol until Purim.


4. All banks and offices must close at noon43 on the 24th of December so that everyone may be able to get home in time to take care of the last minute preparations.

43 Retail establishments remain open until 4 PM on Erev Xmas, and restaurants a bit later. There is a popular saying that "Denny’s never closes," leading many people to ask, "So why are there locks on the doors?" The answer is that until recently, Denny's restaurants had been non Xmas-observant, and in fact did not have locks on the doors. Locks were installed only a few years ago when Denny's became Xmas-observant and began closing for the holiday.


6. THE FESTIVE MEAL

1. In the evening, after three stars appear in the sky, the family gathers together for the Erev Xmas meal. There are various opinions as to what is to be eaten at this meal. Only fish is to be eaten at the Erev Xmas meal.44 In our lands, the custom is to eat 12 fishes45 at this meal corresponding to the 12 days of Xmas.

44 When Erev Xmas is on Friday, and the dinner coincides with the first Shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used.
45 Even on Shabbos, one can easily reach 12 different kinds of gefilte fish: How can we show that four different fishes can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four different fishes in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,) but we are now able to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in jars, frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows that if there were four different species made three different ways, then there are 12 different gefilte fishes. How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can be made with or without salt, with or without sugar, and with or without matzo meal, and there are eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are a total of 96 dishes! How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of the eight recipes can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a total of 192 dishes!


2. Once the meal is complete, the family gathers in the room with the tree where they sing zemiros and drink eggnog.46 At midnight the family heads to shul for tikkun chatzos. Some say that tikkun chatzos can be said as early as 8:00 pm,47 but it is good to be stringent on oneself.

46 Eggnog being a milchig drink, some hold that this is the real reason for eating fish instead of meat.
47 So that the children will be awake.


7. SANTA CLAUS

1. For many years, the existence of Santa Claus was a subject of intense dispute in the adult community. In 1897, a team of investigative reporters was commissioned by one Virginia O’Hanlon to resolve the question. Their findings concluded “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”48 This was reaffirmed several decades later in a court case brought in New York County Supreme Court.49

48 New York Sun, September 21, 1897. (not in December as one might think)
49 Testimony from the United States Post Office proved to be crucial in deciding this case, as documented in Miracle on 34th Street, 1947.


2. It is absolutely forbidden to light any kind of fire in the fireplace on this evening.50 Those who want to roast chestnuts on an open fire should use a barbecue.

50 DUH! (But see also below, note 39)


3. To demonstrate our faith51 in Santa, each year we leave him a plate of donuts or cookies on a table near the tree, with a glass of milk to drink. Soon after this practice began, children began to question why the milk was still on the table the following morning, so their parents adopted the custom of drinking the milk after the children went to bed. However, just three years ago,52 while delivering his gifts, Santa accidentally revealed to a young girl that he suffered from lactose intolerance, and that this is why the milk had been left undrunk all those years. The following year, she left him a glass of pareve soybean “milk”, and this practice has spread far and wide since then. (In communities which accept the use of government supervised milk in lieu of rabbinic cholov yisroel, Lactaid™ milk is used instead.)

51 "I believe with complete faith that he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake." Ani Maamin #11, daily siddur.
52 The Santa Clause, by Tim Allen, produced by Walter Disney, 1994. This film also showed Santa’s new fire-resistant suit which was developed just that year. Nevertheless, the principle is that a protective measure is not abandoned even if the reason no longer exists, and so the ban on lighting fireplace fires remains in full force.



8. OTHER CUSTOMS

1. One is to rise early on the morning of the 25th in order to open the presents. There is a ritual meal which must be completed before sunset.

2. Meat and wine must be served at this meal. Lots are drawn to choose a designated driver who may not have any wine.

3. The meat may only be roasted. One may not eat any boiled or broiled meat at this meal.


4. After the meal, many have the custom to retire to the family room to watch sports on T.V.


5. Kiddush is not recited on Xmas, but holly is required.



9. HAVDALA

1. There are many opinions regarding when the Xmas season is over.53 Some hold that Xmas is over when the last item in the After-Xmas Sale has been sold. Others are strict and hold that Xmas is over immediately at the conclusion of the football game. The last opinion is the main one.

53 Many are confused by the term "twelve days of Xmas", implying that the Xmas continues until and including January 5. Today, this view is accepted only by the Eastern Orthodox, who hold that December 26 through January 5 constitute Chol Hamoed Xmas. This view is opposed by both the Modern Orthodox and the Ultra Orthodox (and even the Non Orthodox) who hold that Xmas is only one day long, and any context which seems otherwise actually refers to the Xmas season.


2. Walled cites continue Xmas until the end of the winning team's ticker-tape parade. A recent authority, Rabbi Edward, celebrated Xmas in August. For this he became known as "Crazy Eddie".

History Lesson

Something cool that's been going around on email....

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird....

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat....

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Rav Soloveitchik Quotes 2

"For [Nachmanides and HaLevi] the attribute of kedushah, holiness, ascribed to the Land of Israel is an objective metaphysical quality inherent in the land. With all my respect for the Rishonim, I must disagree with such an opinion. I do notbelieve that it is halkhically cogent. Kedushah, under a halakhic aspect, is man-made; more accurately, it is a historical category. A soil is sanctified by historical deeds performed by a sacred people, never by any primordial superiority... Nothing should be attributed a priori to dead matter. Objective Kedushah smacks of fetishism"
TEEM p.150

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"The first prerequisite of prophecy is loneliness. A lonely man finds the Lonely G-d, and this very loneliness creates the charismatic bond between them" ibid

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"As a natural being, as an individual who represents his genus, the charismatic personality is subject to the biological process of life which ends in death. ..The historical Abraham as a historical personality attained immortality. Yet Abraham did not conquer death in metaphysical, transcendent sense. His immotality is through and through historical.... Immortal is the man is the personality which, incarted in the anticipation of the multitude of a non-existent group, is in turn incarnated by that group in retrospect....

....The first concept of immortality coined by Judaism is the continuation of a historical existence throughout the ages. It differs from transcendent immortality insofar as the deceased person does not lead an isolated, seperate existence in a transcendental world. The identity persists on a level of a concrete reality disguised as a people. It asserts itself in the conscioussness of the many, who traces their roots to the one. Yet metaphysical immortality is based on historical immortality. Whoever does not identiy himself with the historical ego and remains on the natural level cannot attain immortality. The first conquest of death takes place in the realm of history"

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Student: Rav, can you bless me
Rav: What, are you an apple or something?!?!? [attributed]

"Welcome back to Hyde Park" and other short stories

Well... not stories as such. Or really at all. It's all about carrots and sticks. Get sucked in by the (in inverted commas) 'intriguing' title and then whipped by my harsh words.
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A few weeks ago I moved into my new house in Hyde Park (Leeds) having lived in Woodhouse for a year. I was immediately struck by a sense of a familiarity. Nay... sentimentality. This wasn't just the overpriced vegtables at Sainsburys/ Jacksons nor the tourist attraction that is the boarded up Royal Park Primary School. No... I (and my housemate on a seperate occassion) heard a (again in inverted commas) 'sneeze'. But not any old sneeze. Not the 'I've just dusted after a whole year of not doing so, and it has got up my nose' sneeze. Not the 'damn the pollen count, even though its raining' sneeze. Not even the commoner-garden 'morning sneezing fit' sneeze. The 'I have a cold' sneeze? NO

It was a 'directed at me' sneeze' It was the 'A-Jew' sneeze. Sounds a bit like 'A-Choo' but 'Jew' instead. Which is quite funny. Because I am one. A Jew that is. Or so my skullcap would suggest to the modern Hyde Park youth. They don't know me and I doubt it was to exercise my world-renowned sense of humour. Even if it was, it wouldn't be very funny... I've heard it before. Many times. It gets less amusing each time. They always look like they want to confront me but I don't oblige with anything more than an evil stare.

It seems to be quite a uniform Hyde Park thing. I wonder where they teach it. At home? At the mosque? At the Young Marrieds group? At the 'bring your child to work' day? I don't know and probably never will.

Never mind... it could always be worse.
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On reading Simon Schama's 'A History of Britain: Volume one' I discovered something I didn't know before. Well... many things. Otherwise why read the book? But just one which sticks out this particular moment and not the one about when and why the 'Prince of Wales' title first came about. Instead... it is the one about the 'yellow stars' that Edward ('Longshanks') I of England (and feudal overlord of Wales and for a short time Scotland) forced the Jews to wear to identify themselves. I'd never heard of yellow-star-wearing apart from in connection to the NAZIs and the Nurembeurg Laws.

I mean- I shouldn't have been surprised. The NAZIs were the first to release the 'Greatest Hits' album of anti-semitic symbols. Most of the NAZI leaders were educated and cultured men. They knew their history and they knew their style (those black unifroms will never go out of style). They didn't make much up themselves but they arranged past ideas in the most effective manner possible (one might argue that arranging other people's ideas is the very mark of 'orginality')

But.. I'd never thought about it. But it originated in Britain! Edward didn't learn his trade at the mosque. No... his 'pious' mother Eleanor was a keen believer on the 'blood libels' The Jews killed Christian children to use their blood in their Passover matzot (unleavened bread). I've never done it myself. And on Passover... all the Rakusen matzo box says under ingredients is 'flour and water' (hence bread). I'm sure the trading standards agency would have something to say about this mislabelling of products.

In this very same era, England has the dubious honour of being the first to expel its Jews 'as if they were some contagious disease' (as said by Schama)
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But then again... Schama is Jewish and part of the world Jewish conspiracy. Last week I watched 'The War on Britain's Jews?' on Channel 4 by Richard Littlejohn. The most interesting point to come out of it for me (apart from the desecration of garves, Jewish schools having to have high fences and rabbis being attacked) was the perception that if you believe in anti-semitism 'you must be a Jew'. If you aren't a hysterical Jew, you wouldn't believe the malicious rumours we spread. The presenter has been called a Jew and sent anti-semitic emails, as has Nick Cohen (who is not a Jew but has criticised by the current state of the 'left'), as has the author of the all-parliamentary report into anti-semitism.

So the moral is.. don't listen to me! I think this is sound advice at the best of times. But I am complaining about anti-semitism... so even more reason
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As much as Christian Europe were the progenitors of such virulent anti-semitims the arab world has done a valiant job at taking it up. Just looking that latest blood libels coming from the Middle East, I was 'amused' to learn that we are now using the blood of Palestinian (oh how fickle us Jews are not to be using Christian babies anymore) children for our Purim cakes. We've branched out!

There was a very nice interview with Muhammad Al-Buheiri (a researcher given a scholarship by Egyptian government) on 'Nile TV' saying we still do the blood libels today:

Interviewer: "I have another question. Who are the people who prepare these matzos? Are they Jewish extremists or moderates? As a researcher specializing in inter-faith dialogue, do you believe this still occurs in Israel? I'm rephrasing the question."

Muhammad Al-Buheiri: "I believe it does, because these are religious rituals."

Inter-faith worker? Inter-faith work takes tact. Whilst I don't tact this guy surely does:

Muhammad Al-Buheiri: "First of all, we should be aware that the Jews always implement a rule they consider basic: A loud voice is capable of erasing the truth."

Of Course the interviewer helpfully interevenes so as not to upset a sensitive, politically-correct viewing public: Interviewer: "The media are controlled by the Jews."
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Sweet dreams Children